Nashville Confidential

A country music songwriter talks about his biggest hits.

May 03, 2007

Country music songwriter Bobby Braddock has written or co-written 13 no. 1 hits, including Tammy Wynette’s “D-I-V-O-R-C-E” and George Jones’ “He Stopped Loving Her Today.” Braddock will be signing copies of his memoir, Down in Orburndale: A Songwriter’s Youth in Old Florida, at Alabama Booksmith on May 9.

B&W: In the 1960s, many people viewed the Nashville crowd as the heavy drinkers and the rock crowd as the drug addicts. But things weren’t as clear-cut as that, were they?

Braddock: Oh no, they weren’t. At Sony ATV, which was then Tree Publishing Company, back in the ’70s, we would regularly sit around listening to each others’ songs and, at the end of the day, smoking pot. I never got into cocaine because the speed screwed me up so bad. That left me with a lifelong fear of anything that was like an upper . . . I remember at one publishing company [in Nashville], there on a table as you got off the elevator—and this was atypical but it did happen—was a mirror with cocaine on it.

B&W: Of the hits that you co-wrote with Curly Putnam, “He Stopped Loving Her Today” and “D-I-V-O-R-C-E,” who wrote the lyrics and who wrote the melody?

Braddock: Well, I almost hate to answer that question, because of the way it comes out . . . For instance, on “D-I-V-O-R-C-E,” I had written the song and nobody had recorded it. And it had been around for several months. So I asked Curly Putnam, “Why isn’t anybody cutting my song?” And he said, “I think it’s sounds a little bit too happy for a sad song.” So I asked him what he would do. He said, “Well, it’s that one line at the end of the chorus, ‘I wish that we could stop this D-I-V-O-R-C-E.’” I had it happy, sorta like a detergent commercial. Just too happy sounding. So he sang this real mournful sounding thing and I said, “God, let’s get that on tape.” I took it to [producer] Billy Sherrill and he cut it right away [with Tammy Wynette].”




	Bobby Braddock (click for larger version)

B&W: Tell me about your song “Did You Ever?,” which George Jones and Tammy Wynette recorded in the 1970s.

Braddock: Nancy Sinatra and Lee Hazlewood covered that, and they did it almost exactly like the [early 1960s] Charlie Louvin and Melba Montgomery version, and it was a huge hit in the United Kingdom. I got to hang out with Paul McCartney in 1974, and the first thing he talked about was “Did You Ever?” He acted like it was a really big deal that I had written that song, and I was thinking, “Shit, man, all the songs McCartney’s written, and he’s impressed with that song.”

B&W: How did you meet McCartney?

Braddock: One of my publishing company’s attorneys was Lee Eastman, who was Linda McCartney’s father. And he told Buddy [Killen, of Tree Publishing] that Paul was wanting to come to Nashville and spend the summer. He wanted a really nice house, so they somehow convinced Curly Putnam to take a long vacation around the world with his wife. Apparently, Paul paid a lot more than somebody would normally pay someone to leave their house. Curly’s name is Claude Putnam, Jr., and Paul referred to Curly as “Junior,” and that’s what “Junior’s Farm” was about, it was about Curly’s house. Paul cut a few things in town while he was here, like “Sally G.”

B&W: In 2004 you said “George W. Bush may talk ‘country’ . . . but he’s more himself when he’s yukking it up with rich corporate types who don’t give a damn about middle-class folks.”

Braddock: Yeah, I think my foray into politics was probably a bad idea because you get branded with that partisanship. . . . But yeah, I think country music was hijacked, especially over the war issue. I have to be careful or else I get all worked up about it and say shit that I shouldn’t be saying . . . I’m on the left in some areas and on the right in others. I came away from the 2004 campaign and the main thing I got out of it more than anything else is just people yelling at each other. I do blame Bush for a lot of that. But I don’t have a problem with Republicans; there are a lot of Republicans that I really respect. I just hate the polarization—red state, blue state. Everybody getting mad. It’s crazy.




Braddock, at far left, in one of the many bands he played in prior to his career as a Nashville songwriter. (click for larger version)

B&W: Don Helms, Hank Williams, Sr.’s steel guitar player, once told me that Williams believed that a performer shouldn’t talk about religion and politics, because the performer is in danger of losing half his audience.

Braddock: Marty Robbins [who gave Braddock his first piano-playing job in Robbins' band] used to get on stage and talk about Barry Goldwater. Back then, a lot of blue-collar, working-class country music fans were staunch Democrats. Marty didn’t care. There was a time in country music that people would take a stand that back then might have been perceived as left, and get by with it as long as it didn’t involve the racial issue. I don’t think people were split up in conservative and liberal camps.

B&W: I’ve read that George Jones initially didn’t like “He Stopped Loving Her Today” because he thought it was too sappy or too morbid.

Braddock: Too morbid . . . Yeah, he did. I don’t know if Billy Sherrill had to talk him into doing it, but I don’t think George was totally on board with it being a single. George made a bet with Billy for a $100 whether it would be a hit or not. Billy said George told him, “Nobody’s gonna play that morbid son of a bitch.”

I have mixed feelings about the song anyway. I didn’t know it was all that good a song until Billy played me George’s cut of it. I heard that and I thought, “Oh, man. There’s something here.” I think that’s an instance of the artist and producer elevating it to greatness. I’m not saying it’s not a good song, but what they did with it turned it into something that was really magic.

B&W: Did you spend much time with George and Tammy when they were recording your songs?

Braddock: Not a lot socially. It was more like business stuff, running into them at things. Tammy invited me to her house a few times. I took care of George one day when he was drunk [laughs] . . . Somewhere along the way, probably in the past 15 or 20 years, I think George probably finally got it through his head that he is a great singer and is perceived by everybody as maybe the greatest country singer of all time. But I can remember when he was pretty self-effacing and didn’t really have a lot of self-confidence. He was almost apologizing when looking for songs, saying, “Well, I don’t wanna bother y’all,” and I said, “You’re George Jones, what are you talking about?” When he was recording “He Stopped Loving Her Today,” he was looking right at Tammy. Billy Sherrill recorded the singer live with the band, and that would be the keeper track. George sang it once and Billy said, “Jones, you need to sing this one more time.” And about that time Tammy came in with her new love, George Ritchey. And she sat down next to Billy Sherrill’s chair behind the console and the light in the control room was illuminating her face. And when George sang that, he was looking right at her. &

Bobby Braddock will read from and sign copies of his book at the Alabama Booksmith on May 9 at 6 p.m. Call 870-4242 or visit www.alabamabooksmith.com for additional details.

Crime Meeting Offers No Solutions

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Crime Meeting Offers No Solutions

A buffet of rhetoric and statistics, but no new ideas, from area leaders.

By Ed Reynolds

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May 03, 2007

The Birmingham Association of Black Journalists (BABJ) held a Town Hall Meeting on Violence on April 19 at the Sixteenth Street Baptist Church. The event invited residents to “take part in the dialogue as a panel of city and state officials, law enforcement officers, criminal justice experts, and citizens discuss crime in our community and possible solutions to reduce it.” The evening amounted to little more than a gripe session by distraught citizens and deflections by leaders unwilling, or unable, to solve Birmingham’s crime problem.

Among area officials present were Birmingham Mayor Bernard Kincaid, Birmingham Police Chief Annetta Nunn, Jefferson County Sheriff Mike Hale, and Jefferson County District Attorney David Barber.

Many of the 100 residents in attendance emotionally addressed the panel about escalating crime and random violence witnessed in their neighborhoods. Several mothers discussed the horror of losing members of their families in drive-by shootings, other residents seemed to have a personal agenda (one man pitched his anti-violence DVD to area churches) or simply wanted to be on television (the meeting was broadcast on local stations).

It didn’t take long for religion to take center stage. Boasting that the homicide rate has decreased when compared to that of the two previous years, Chief Nunn said that primary credit for the reduction in murders should go to “Jesus Christ.” This statement begs the question of why the city needs Chief Nunn on the payroll if the Son of God is handling crime reduction. Many in the audience agreed with Nunn’s assessment, though, placing much of the blame for crime on children failing to attend church.

Nunn elaborated that it was easier to track felons released from the federal penal system as opposed to those released from state prisons, because the federal list included the offenders’ addresses. Nunn said that anyone with information helpful to police in catching criminals should be referred to in the neighborhood as a “community activist” instead of a “snitch.” One man later echoed his approval, shouting “Jesus did not have a microphone, he had a mighty voice! He was a community activist!”

Mayor Kincaid proclaimed that Birmingham has the largest police force in the state with more than 800 officers, though he failed to mention that because Birmingham is the largest city in the state, it would follow that its police force is also the largest. Kincaid said that $75 million of Birmingham’s $315 million annual budget is spent on public safety. The mayor acknowledged that police recruitment has been slow, but failed to address the long-running shortage of trained officers on the force. He added that he hoped to have money in next year’s budget to lure new hires with salary bonuses. That’s an odd statement by a man who once promised to make Birmingham police officers the highest paid in the state and then repeatedly fought efforts by the Birmingham City Council to grant pay increases to the force.

“Without witnesses, our hands are tied,” said District Attorney David Barber as he addressed why more crimes are not prosecuted. Barber added that tougher gun laws will not stop violence. “They’re going to find guns anyway, because we like to hunt or ride around with a gun in our pickup truck . . . It’s not a problem to get guns.” Birmingham City Councilor Miriam Witherspoon had this solution to violence: “We’re not preparing (school children) for anger management . . . We need to get back to being our brother’s keeper . . . We need to put a policeman in every household.” Witherspoon was presumably speaking figuratively.

Local bar owner and frequent mayoral and city council candidate T.C. Cannon asked about unreported crime. “This meeting was prompted by reported crime, which is only the tip of the iceberg,” said Cannon. “If all the crime was reported, we’d have to call out the National Guard.” Several residents at the meeting blamed crime on a low minimum wage. Another said that the lack of a proper public transit system was preventing many Birmingham high school graduates from attending the University of Montevallo, thereby robbing students of a full education. New Year’s Eve was singled out by residents in west Birmingham as “downright terrifying” (presumably due to the storm of gunfire that is traditionally unleashed on that night in the city’s poorer neighborhoods).

Local officials have admitted that the nature of much of the area’s violence—acquaintance-on-acquaintance crime—is the most difficult to police. “Black-on-black violence is a pandemic,” shouted one audience member. “It’s a form of self-hatred.” Another resident blamed “bullies” in schoolyards. A woman complained that “it’s too easy to get bail.” A young Southside resident told Kincaid and Nunn that “new paint jobs on police cars” will not eliminate crime. Kincaid corrected the young man. “It’s not just slapping paint on cars,” explained Kincaid, smiling. The mayor said that $1.2 million had been spent on 62 new police cars, as many of the old cars had amassed over 250,000 miles. Towards the meeting’s end, a man stood up and declared that the devil is to blame for Birmingham crime. “Satan is our biggest problem,” he said. “There has been a demonic spirit unleashed on this city.” One woman, who had finally had her fill of the endless religious posturing, said “I don’t think Satan is intentionally putting violence in Birmingham and not Mountain Brook.” She received the biggest round of applause all night. &

Who’s on First?

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Who’s on First?

Your public official scorecard for the ongoing domed stadium debate.

By Ed Reynolds

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April 19, 2007

As of April 13, Mayor Bernard Kincaid had no comment on the latest chapter in the ongoing soap opera involving Birmingham City Hall and the Jefferson County Commission about construction of a domed stadium, or “multipurpose facility” as Kincaid prefers to call it. Kincaid and Commission President Bettye Fine Collins had reached agreement a couple months earlier on a scaled-down version of the arena. Kincaid seemed confident that the facility would finally be constructed after more than a decade of debate. “When we met with the business leadership group, some of them wanted to see a business plan, which is being formulated as we speak,” Kincaid said at an April 10 press conference. “Upon its completion, I will then have them come back and present to the council, because it is a business decision, and hopefully at that point we can get the council to approve it.” The next day, the agreement between the Mayor and the commission president appeared to be crumbling when Collins announced that she would not support the arena unless the state legislature passes a bill that would keep in effect the county’s occupational tax. The tax is the county’s funding source for expansion of the Birmingham-Jefferson Convention Complex.

In February, Kincaid and Collins agreed on a facility smaller than the originally proposed 65,000 seats. The planned increase in exhibition space would be the same regardless of seating capacity. The BJCC board, which includes Kincaid and Collins, approved the proposal at a February 24 board retreat in Salt Lake City, Utah. Neither the Birmingham City Council nor the County Commission has approved the building of the proposed 40,000-seat arena.

Collins has previously opposed a domed stadium concept. She has since relaxed her previous opposition to football being played indoors at a multipurpose arena. Oddly, she refused to endorse the arena concept if the facility’s design allows for a future increase in seating capacity. BJCC executive director Jack Fields has said that

it would be too costly to retroactively increase the seating capacity if the arena was not designed with that option. Collins continued to balk at plans by Fields to spend $33 million of BJCC funds to add a 300-room extension to the adjacent Sheraton Hotel (also owned by the BJCC). Collins prefers that increased hotel space be paid for by private developers.

The Birmingham City Council had previously committed $8.8 million per year (for 30 years) for BJCC expansion when the facility’s proposed capacity was 65,000 seats. In February, after Kincaid and Collins found common ground for a smaller venue, Councilors Roderick Royal and Carol Duncan publicly supported the 40,000-seat facility. Councilors Carole Smitherman, Miriam Witherspoon, Steven Hoyt, and William Bell opposed the scaled-down arena (Smitherman has recently suggested that a “roof” be put over Legion Field). Councilors Valerie Abbott, Maxine Parker, and Joel Montgomery were undecided (Abbott and Montgomery opposed expansion proposals a year ago).

On April 16, the day before the County Commission was to vote on arena funding, several councilors elaborated on their stances. Abbott admitted she was leaning in favor of the project “if the sun, moon, and stars line up right,” adding that private investment for an entertainment district made building an arena more practical. Parker remained undecided, though she believed that it is not very pragmatic to limit seating to 40,000 with no expansion. “I don’t see what we’re getting for our full money’s worth with 40,000 seats,” noted Parker. Council President Smitherman has changed her mind somewhat. She now supports the smaller arena if improvements are also made to Legion Field. Witherspoon said she has not altered her position. “You always build a house with the anticipation of expanding,” said Witherspoon. “I don’t see the significance to building a domed stadium with a limited amount of seating without having the capacity to expand.”

The County Commission has committed $10 million annually, through 2008, to BJCC expansion. The commission also must approve the project, which would include extending the current annual payment until 2038. The county’s portion comes from an occupational tax that the state

legislature is considering for elimination. Commission President Collins said in the April 12 Birmingham News that it would be “foolish” for the commission to commit the money unless the legislature passes a bill guaranteeing the tax will remain.

Commissioner Larry Langford, a one-time proponent of a domed stadium, has stated he will not support a 40,000-seat arena that has no capacity to expand later. Langford has been critical of Kincaid and Collins for their newly formed close working relationship, since Kincaid failed to meet with him when Langford was commission president. Langford told the News that Collins and Kincaid had done little get their proposed arena accomplished since agreeing on the project.

Commissioner Shelia Smoot, who, like Langford, has voted for a domed stadium in the past, was initially undecided on the smaller facility, as was Commissioner Jim Carns. But after Collins began to back out of the deal, Smoot expressed her support for a domed arena. Langford reportedly now favors a larger arena with capacity exceeding 65,000. Carns shares Collins’ fear that the county cannot afford even the smaller facility without an occupational tax. Commissioner Bobby Humphryes has consistently opposed any domed stadium concept.

The cost for the 40,000-seat facility and related expansion is $505 million, whereas a 65,000-seat domed stadium would cost approximately $623 million. Governor Bob Riley has refused to commit state funds until the city and county approve the plan. As the time of this writing, the County Commission was scheduled to vote on April 17 on funding commitments for the arena. Neither arena proposals appear to have enough votes to pass. &

Soul Brother Number One is Done

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Soul Brother Number One is Done

It’s show business as usual as the Godfather of Soul is laid to rest.

By Ed Reynolds

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January 11, 2007

On December 30, 2006, fans packed the 8,500-seat James Brown Arena in Augusta, Georgia, to say goodbye to the hardest-working man in show business, James Brown. The hometown farewell was anything but reverent. A gathering of notorious friends and family created an embarrassing spectacle while Brown lay in an open coffin that gleamed like a polished brass trumpet. Admirers had begun lining up at 9 p.m. the night before to view Brown’s immaculately dressed body—pristine black suit, red shirt, and jewel-tipped shoes. As always, the bouffant hair-do was combed to perfection. The Soul Generals, his touring band, walked on stage as Brown’s longtime show emcee Danny Ray took over as master of ceremonies. The horns knocked out a typically funky riff to a James Brown hit, but something wasn’t right. The world is accustomed to a simple fact: when the band plays, James Brown moves. Instead, a large oil portrait of Brown singing stood near the casket. It was the beginning of an ugly afternoon.




	Lying in a gold-plated casket, James Brown is viewed by his wife, Tomi Rae Brown, at Brown’s memorial service in Augusta, Georgia. (click for larger version)

A series of former backup singers took turns belting out James Brown numbers, all except for Tomi (pronounced “Tommy”) Rae Brown, Brown’s widow, backup singer, and mother of the late star’s five-year-old son. Formerly Tomi Rae Hynie, a Janis Joplin impersonator whom Brown met in Las Vegas in 1997, Tomi Rae made headlines when she was locked out of the couple’s mansion in Beech Island, South Carolina, after Brown’s death on Christmas Day (whether the couple were legally married has been questioned). Instead of a James Brown song, Tomi Rae sang Sam and Dave’s “Hold On (I’m Comin’)” as she knelt over Brown’s open casket.

She sang the chorus while staring at her husband’s corpse, her performance marked by what appeared to be a touch of sarcasm. At one point, she snatched a rose from a nearby bouquet and dropped it on top of the singer’s body.

Their relationship had been tumultuous. Tomi Rae had Brown arrested in 2004 for threatening her with a metal chair. The charges were dropped. It was not the first time Brown had been locked up for abusing wives. Third wife Adrienne Rodriegues had him arrested four times during their 10-year marriage.

Michael Jackson’s appearance was predictably dramatic. After a grand entrance into the arena with his entourage, Jackson hovered close over Brown’s corpse, face to face. Speculation based on television images was that he kissed Brown’s cheek. In his trademark childlike voice, Jackson later addressed the gathering: “James Brown is my greatest inspiration. Ever since I was a small child, no more than like six years old, my mother would wake me no matter what time it was . . . to watch the television to see the master at work. And when I saw him move, I was mesmerized. I’d never seen a performer perform like James Brown. And right then and there I knew that was exactly what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.”

Al Sharpton was in charge at the event. Sharpton appeared distracted throughout the service until he took the microphone to eulogize Brown. He began by welcoming Jackson. “Michael says he don’t care what they say, Michael came for you today, Mr. Brown! I don’t care what the media says tonight. James Brown wanted Michael Jackson with him here today!” The crowd cheered. Sharpton then focused on Brown, noting that the singer had to struggle because “he wasn’t light-skinned with smooth hair. He looked like us.” (Unfortunately, Jackson’s reaction could not be seen when Sharpton said that.) The reverend spoke of Brown in heaven, speculating that he’s probably bragging to Ray Charles about how many people are showing up for his memorial services. (This was the second service; the first was two days earlier at the Apollo Theatre in Harlem.)

Sharpton implored, “St. Peter, if you don’t consider it too arrogant, I don’t know too much yet about what you do in heaven. But if you have Sunday morning service, you ought to let James Brown sing tomorrow morning. I know you got angels that can sing, but they never had to shine shoes on Broad Street (in Augusta)! They never had their heart broken! They never been to jail for doing nothing wrong!” From the podium, Sharpton openly criticized police for once “shooting 22 bullets into [Brown’s] vehicle, blowing out the tires . . . and for what?”

Sharpton omitted the rest of the story. In 1988, Brown, high on PCP, carried a shotgun into an insurance seminar next to his Augusta office. He accused the participants of using his private restroom. Brown was then pursued by police for half an hour into South Carolina. The chase ended when the tires of his truck were shot out. Brown served more than two years in a South Carolina prison.

Sharpton then introduced “my rabbi, mentor, and friend, Reverend Jesse Jackson.” Taking the stage, Jackson promptly announced, “James Brown upstaged Santa Claus on Christmas Day by making his transition!” Activist Dick Gregory spoke next. Then came the president of Augusta’s Paine College, who walked on stage in cap and gown to bestow a posthumous Doctorate of Humanities. It had been a four-hour service by the time the coffin was closed. For Tomi Rae, it had ended a little sooner. According to the story she told CNN’s Larry King several nights later, she had been asked to leave the funeral after vehemently denouncing Reverend Sharpton for referring to her on stage as “Tammy.” &

The Eternal Word

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The Eternal Word

The Catholic Church thrives in Irondale through media giant EWTN.

By Ed Reynolds

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January 11, 2007

Who would have guessed that the Catholic Church would be broadcasting across the globe from Irondale, Alabama? Operating deep in the heart of Southern Baptist country, the Eternal World Television Network (EWTN) is the largest religious media network on the planet. The programming includes a talk show hosted by an acerbic nun, personal testimonials recounting modern-day miracles, daily prayers, religious instruction, and children’s shows. Mother Angelica began the “global Catholic network” in 1981 with $200 while broadcasting from a garage in the Irondale monastery she started in 1962. (In 1999 she built a new convent in Hanceville, some 50 miles up the road.) EWTN is involved in radio, television, publishing, and the internet. Time magazine has anointed Mother Angelica as the “most influential Roman Catholic woman in America.” With a staff of more than 300 (of whom approximately 70 percent are Catholic), EWTN has an audience of 122 million households in 125 countries through TV, radio, and short-wave broadcasts. The company claims that it has no business plan or growth strategy. Nevertheless, it manages to round up $2.4 million each month to cover expenses, with no requests for donations other than Mother Angelica reminding viewers, “Don’t forget to put us between your gas and electric bill.”




	Mother Angelica (click for larger version)

EWTN literally trusts divine intervention. The company is “a work of God,” Mother Angelica told Crisis magazine. “I am always amazed that we have come this far, because when our dear Lord started this thing, I would have never believed this. I thought we’d just make some programs, really, because there were no Catholic programs much of anywhere. And so as it evolved, I was always surprised. It was not ever under my control. It was never a goal. I don’t even know what I thought. I didn’t have a thought. I just always try to listen to the Lord. A lot of things didn’t make sense. But who am I to question?”

Mother Angelica’s is a remarkable story. She was born Rita Rizzo in Canton, Ohio, in 1923. Her father abandoned her mother when Rizzo was an infant, and she grew up in poverty. A rebellious child, she resented the nuns who taught her in school. But when she turned 20, Rizzo was miraculously cured of severe stomach pains and decided that God wanted her to become a nun. Much to her mother’s horror, Rizzo joined the Poor Clares convent. Two years later, Rizzo was paralyzed in an accident while scrubbing floors at Poor Clares. She promised God that if she ever walked again, she would build a monastery in the South. In 1961 she led a small group of nuns to Alabama to start a Poor Clares monastery in Irondale. This was the same year her mother found God and became Sister Mary David, having joined her daughter in Alabama at Our Lady of Angels Monastery.

In 1970, Mother Angelica began giving lectures on Catholicism. Her audience began requesting printed copies of her talks, and her media career was launched with the advent of Mother Angelica’s mini-books, short teachings on religious themes that are still available today at no charge. Several years later she taped videos for televangelist Pat Robertson’s Christian Broadcasting Network. She pulled out of that deal after the station that aired Robertson’s show refused to cancel a movie that denied Christ’s resurrection. She began broadcasting from a garage in the monastery in 1981. Though it offered only a few hours of programming daily, within a couple of years EWTN was reaching 60,000 homes. In 1993, the company started WEWN, the largest private shortwave station in the world. Mother Angelica says the archangel Michael appeared to her on a hilltop in Irondale and told her to build the station, which was financed by Dutch billionaire Piet Derksen. Three years later, Angelica launched her radio ministry, the same year the TV network began worldwide broadcasts.

One of the most popular programs is “Mother Angelica Live,” with Angelica as a talk show host. She has angered more than a few of the faithful with her bluntly honest opinions. Butting heads with Cardinal Roger Mahoney of Los Angeles, she openly disagreed with his interpretation of Christ’s literal presence in the Eucharist. She eventually offered a grudging apology, but Mahoney continued to criticize her, going so far as unsuccessfully requesting that the Vatican reprimand her.

Mother Angelica gives all credit to the Lord. She laughs over the fact that she knew nothing about broadcasting when she pursued the vision that God gave her. She surmises in one of her typically cryptic pronouncements: “I think if you are ignorant enough, the Lord helps you out or you wind up in jail.” &

City Hall — Mayor Sues Council

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Mayor Sues Council

The City Council wants pay raise for police and firefighters, Kincaid says no way.

By Ed Reynolds

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December 14, 2006

On December 5, the Birmingham City Council voted to spend $25,000 to hire an attorney to fight a lawsuit brought against it by Mayor Bernard Kincaid. The Mayor is suing the council after it voted eight to one on September 26 to authorize a pay raise for police and firefighters. The lawsuit was filed after Kincaid objected that the council had superseded its power when it submitted the pay increase proposal to the Jefferson County Personnel Board, which said the council had the authority to grant the raise. Kincaid had earlier refused to take the matter to the Personnel Board.The pay raise, five percent a year spread over three years, would not take effect until fiscal year 2008 (July 2007). Kincaid objects, saying that the city cannot afford the $6.5 million a year cost increase to the city. He warns that layoffs of employees would result, as well as parks closing, the shutting down of libraries, and other cutbacks in city services. The Mayor also stated that it is unfair not to give the same raise to all city employees. Kincaid vetoed the council’s action, but the council overrode Kincaid’s veto several days later on October 10. Speaking on December 6, Councilor Valerie Abbott, the only councilor to side with the Mayor, noted the irony that the two sides ended up in court anyway despite the council’s decision to let the Personnel Board decide who had authority to increase pay. “This is what the Mayor suggested that we do, go to court together—where we didn’t have to pay legal fees—and ask for a judgment,” Abbott sighed. “But we [the council] had to be a bull in a china shop and do it our way, and now we’re being sued. . . . I’ve heard a few people criticize Kincaid, saying, ‘Awww, he’s always wanting to study things.’ Well, what idiot makes a decision without studying them first? That’s something every intelligent human being should do. . . . Why would anyone vote to spend money that they can’t even identify when they don’t know if what they voted is going to cure the problem or not?”

The councilor echoed Kincaid’s concern about other city employees, particularly those in the Public Works Departments. Abbott said that according to Gordon Graham, the former personnel director for the city of Birmingham, more employees in Public Works have been killed or injured on the job than police and firefighters. Still, she realizes that public safety employees—police and firefighters—are underpaid. “I do believe that public safety employees need to be taken care of, and we probably are behind what all the other cities are paying. But until you take a formal look at it, you don’t know that. And that 20-year retirement thing that we have in the city of Birmingham, it sounds really great, and that’s one of the benefits we give our people. Are all of the other municipalities giving that same benefit? And if they’re not, maybe what the city of Birmingham should do is go back to a standard 30- or 25-year retirement, and [then] pay officers and firemen more money.” Abbott added that Birmingham police should be paid more than officers in Mountain Brook, “where the chances of someone shooting at you are pretty slim. How much excitement or interest can there be in writing traffic citations?” She continued: “I’ve had officers in Birmingham tell me that part of the reason that they want to be policemen in Birmingham is that it’s an interesting job. It’s an opportunity to get interesting experience under your belt rather than just driving around the streets of the city all day hoping you see something. I do believe that our police and fire personnel need a raise. [But] I want to study the issues and be sure that we have the income to cover a raise before I vote to do it.”

Both city attorney Tamara Johnson and the council’s legal advisor, J. Richmond Pearson, have said they believe a judge should render a decision on who has the authority to give the raise, not the Personnel Board. Kincaid will be represented by attorney and former mayoral candidate Emory Anthony. The council has hired attorney Laveeda Morgan Battle, who has a decade of experience working with the Personnel Board, according to Council President Carole Smitherman. Councilor Abbott was not particularly pleased with the attorney hired, but she voted with the majority anyway. Noting that one councilor had a close relative with ties to the firm hired, Abbott said, “Although it was someone from Waldrep, Stewart & Kendrick, I figure one attorney is probably about as good as another attorney if you’ve gotta have one.” Abbott, who said that Pearson simply offers legal advice, added that the staff attorney’s “little salary doesn’t pay for him to go to court for us.” &

Got a Light? . . .

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Got a Light? . . .

An increasing number of local bars, restaurants, and venues are prohibiting smoking where it once was allowed.

By Ed Reynolds

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November 16, 2006

As of August 1, 2006, all bars and restaurants that allow smoking in Jefferson County are required to post a decal at all main entrances. The sticker is a consumer warning that declares “toxic or poisonous items” are present. This past summer the Jefferson County Health Department announced that “failure by the management to post the consumer warning at all times will result in a one point deduction [on the health inspection report].” In addition, any restaurant, lounge, or convenience store that allows smoking, regardless of whether the decal is present, automatically has four points deducted from its health rating score.According to Wayne Studyvin, director of environmental health services for the Jefferson County Health Department, what prompted the local bureaucratic cracking of the whip on secondhand smoke was U.S. Surgeon General Richard H. Carmona’s June 2006 conclusion that secondhand smoke is a proven health hazard to which there is no risk-free level of exposure.

Because smoking rules and regulations differ from municipality to municipality, the county health department determined that a rule was needed to bring municipalities and unincorporated areas of the county into some uniform compliance. “To make it a level playing field, they would have to have that [consumer warning] sticker on their door,” explains Virginia Bozeman, tobacco prevention coordinator for Jefferson County. “We have a lot of unincorporated areas, so they have to operate under the county. So they would more or less have an advantage over those establishments that do operate under a government [with a smoking ordinance]. We have to do something that would make those unincorporated areas accountable for allowing smoking.”

Wes Humphryes, manager of Billy’s in English Village (which allows smoking after 4 p.m.), was not aware of the county’s sticker requirement. (One county health employee told me that all smoking establishments had been stickered as far as he was aware, and another said that some businesses may not have been stickered yet.) “Really?” Humphryes responded when told that four points would be deducted from Billy’s health rating for allowing smoking. Humphryes said that when four in the afternoon arrives, “we do more drinks than food, so it’s just more of a bar. [Smoking] hasn’t hurt our business.”

In addition to the Jefferson County ordinance, some businesses operate under stricter rules. In the spring of 2005, the Birmingham City Council passed an ordinance that made smoking indoors against the law everywhere but in bars (which the city defines as any establishment whose primary revenue comes from selling alcohol). T.C. Cannon, a former mayoral candidate and longtime owner of the TC bar in Lakeview, was outspoken against the ban at the time. “It will open a big can of worms,” said Cannon. “To restrict this to Birmingham is definitely a grave injustice to the business owners in this city.”

Eighteen months later, Cannon has not changed his mind. “Those four [deducted] points are pretty brutal in this business . . . But I am licensed and pay taxes and fees as a restaurant even though I don’t serve food, except packaged goods. And any infringement or any further controls over the hospitality industry—any restaurants or bars [is not good].” Cannon said doing business in Jefferson County is very difficult, especially “with City Hall, which I have always found to be anti-business.”

Jackson’s Bar and Bistro is a new restaurant in Homewood that has chosen to go non-smoking despite the fact that Homewood doesn’t require it to be smoke-free. Owner Tom Sheffer also owns restaurants in Nashville that allow smoking, but he says he prefers non-smoking. “We decided from the get-go we were going to be non-smoking in Birmingham . . . It’s the trend.” Regarding Jefferson County’s rule that forces bars and restaurants to post stickers warning of the dangers of secondhand smoke, Sheffer said that the decals are something he does not want posted in his business. Jackson’s does allow smoking on the patio. “My choice was based on coming into a city that is going non-smoking already,” says Sheffer. “To me, that is a pretty strong statement, if an area wants to go non-smoking. I’ll be honest, I do think it hurts late-night bar business a little to not have smoking . . . But we’re still getting a good bar business. People are willing to hop outside and smoke a cigarette and hop back in.”

Antonio Minnifield of Lakeview’s Amani Raha Martini Bar has lived in California and New York, where indoor smoking has been banned for several years. Minnifield said that he wanted to ban smoking from the time he opened his business, regardless of the city’s no smoking ordinance. Secondhand smoke can make a pristine martini bar filthy. “It’ll turn a white couch black,” said Minnifield. “California and New York have smoking bans, so I just wanted no smoking in here as well.” Minnifield added that he didn’t think Amani would be affected at all. “If New York and California can [ban smoking], then anybody can.”

Other restaurants that cater to a late-night clientele have also gone smoke-free. Belinda Hyatt, office manager of Southside’s Rojo, said that her customers prefer non-smoking by a slim margin. The change has not affected business. “We get a lot of smokers, it’s pretty much down the middle. The smokers will go to an establishment if it’s smoke-friendly or not.” Rojo does allow smoking on its patio, as do many non-smoking businesses.

Merrilee Challiss, co-owner of the Bottletree Café, a new restaurant and live music venue in Avondale, never gave their smoking policy a second thought. “For me it was very simple,” she says, “I told my partners when we started that it was a non-negotiable issue. The response from our customers has been very favorable. Plus, smoking customers can still use our patio.” Challiss points out that the biggest fans of the no-smoking rule have been the touring bands, often relieved not to be playing in another smoky bar.

The Comedy Club in Hoover had allowed smoking until this past August, when the health department stipulated the warning stickers and the automatic deduction of points on the health rating. Owner Bruce Ayers decided to prohibit smoking. “Well, the health department deal certainly had an effect . . . It played a factor to me because I think that rating is very important. And I think people look at that. If you have a 90 and all of a sudden it’s an 86, I think that’s a big difference.” Ayers added that complaints about smoking also played a role. “We were getting so many complaints from [non-smoking] customers. Eventually everybody is going to be non-smoking . . . I just wanted to be proactive. I just think it’s going to help our business.” When asked why the Comedy Club did not ban smoking sooner, Ayers explained, “It used to be that when we first opened, it was all smoking. Then we had a very small non-smoking section. And then, over the years, it went to where we were pretty much 80 percent non-smoking, and the smoking seats weren’t filling up. So it made business sense to me that the non-smoking thing seemed like the right thing to do. And I still think it is . . . It’s tough for smokers, I know it is. But I think this is the wave of the future . . . They’re doing it in New York, they’re doing it in California. Smoking is killing people. It’s almost like a no-brainer.”

Vestavia has outlawed smoking everywhere but bars. However, the recently closed Moonlight Music Cafe, a live music venue that catered to fans of acoustic music, was non-smoking from its inception several years ago. “That was a choice of my own,” said Keith Harrelson, owner of the bar. “We had a good crowd of people who chose not to smoke. Most bars and nightclubs attract people who do.”

T.C. Cannon admits that non-smokers and “secondhand smoke freaks” often complain about the smoke in his bar. He says that those who don’t like his smoking policy can go elsewhere. “The businessperson, particularly the independent, should be able to determine what type of business that he runs. And to try to legislate everything that is detrimental to our health—we’ll just legislate ourselves to death. And that’s a hell of a way to go, I guess.” Regarding secondhand smoke, T.C. added, “You want empirical data? I spent 45 years working at the old Upside Down Plaza and TC. I was raised in the back of a beer joint as a kid. If secondhand smoke were a problem, I’d have been dead a long time ago.” &

Boys and Their Toys

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Boys and Their Toys

Birmingham’s model-rocket club.

By Ed Reynolds

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November 16, 2006

>Gazing into a blue October sky, Ron Witherspoon couldn’t have been more pleased. “That’s what I’m talking about!” he shouted. “Did you see the flame on that thing? That’s bright enough to make the devil proud . . . Let’s go to the Moon!” Witherspoon is president of the Birmingham Rocket Boys club (BRB). Like another dozen or so local enthusiasts, there is nothing he’d rather do on a Saturday than launch model rockets. A chapter of the National Association of Rocketry (NAR), the BRB is comprised of local rocketeers from broad ends of the career spectrum, including a medical doctor, a postal worker, schoolteacher, and a retired local television station cameraman (who often attaches video cameras to rockets to record the onboard perspective). The group gathers once a month for launches at either the North Birmingham landfill or a cotton farm near Talladega.

On this particular day, Witherspoon’s ever-present enthusiasm was bolstered by the presence of novelist and former NASA engineer Homer Hickam, who is writing an article for Parade magazine that includes the BRB. Hickam’s best-seller Rocket Boys chronicled his boyhood fascination with backyard rocketry in West Virginia coal country, later serving as the inspiration for the film October Sky. As he autographed model rockets and copies of his books, Hickam told a reporter at the BRB gathering that although the rest of the United States probably found Russia’s launch of Sputnik “foreboding,” he and his childhood pals had been devouring so much science fiction that instead of being intimidated by the Soviets, they were excited. “We knew this would start a space race!”




Blake Driskill and his Patriot rocket. Photo by George Gassaway. (click for larger version)

In the 1960s, model rockets were only available through the mail or in hobby shops. By the 1970s, rockets could be found on the shelves of department stores. “One day I was in K-Mart, and suddenly: ‘Oh boy! Rockets!’” recalled BRB member George Gassaway, an award-winning model-rocket designer. “A few years before that I had thought, ‘what if I got a hundred bottle rockets and clustered them all together, and I could make one rocket that could fly!’”

BRB members are usually science geeks and craftsmen of sorts who lug around rockets, launch pads, pop-up awnings, and fishing tackle boxes filled with nylon string, X-acto blades, tape, glue, Vaseline, sandpaper, and plenty of extra rocket engines. During launching sessions, every 10 minutes there is an announcement via a small portable public address system: “On launch pad 3 we’ve got a red, white, and black Patriot with an H-165R motor blasting off at ‘5, 4, 3, 2, 1 . . .’” When the launch button is pushed, all eyes simultaneously look skyward amid cheers.

The propellant for these models includes aluminum perchlorate (APC), the same solid fuel used on the two booster rockets that launch the Space Shuttle. Amateur enthusiasts must be certified to use such fuel. APC-powered rockets often emit a loud pop at blastoff, followed by a brightly colored flame tail and impressive “whoosh” sound as the projectile climbs to more than half a mile. The more expensive rockets employ an altimeter to determine the height attained. Ready-to-fly models start at $15, and higher-powered rockets can cost anywhere from $100 to more than $1,000.

Model rockets are available in an impressively wide range of designs, including NASA’s Mercury, Gemini, and Apollo spacecraft; a two-foot missile called a Skywriter painted to resemble a pencil; flying saucer–style contraptions made from cardboard boxes; and even a miniature blue Porta-John that emits a two-foot yellow flame and features an unraveling roll of toilet paper.

BRB member Tony Williams began competing on rocket teams with Gassaway in 1975, but he began his hobby more than a decade earlier. “One change has been the higher power. Model rockets were pretty limited in the ’60s, but in the early ’70s engines got stronger,” recalled Williams. “As far as the look of the rockets, there are a lot more variations now. The basic rocket is the pretty much the same, except there was a lot more [hands-on] modeling back then. There’s a lot of pre-fab stuff now. I think it was probably more fun back then.”

For Kim Mitchell, a self-professed “space junkie,” launching rockets that he’s built with his own hands is the continuation of not only his infatuation with outer space as a kid but also his earliest childhood memories. “I can remember Neil Armstrong walking on the moon when I was three years old. I was at my grandparents’ house and can even remember the little TV set they had,” he laughed. Mitchell, a broadcast engineer at FOX 6 in Birmingham, added that the satellite technology he was enamored with as a child is integral to his current job.

Blake Driskill, a computer science specialist with an in-depth background in math, got involved with the BRB a couple of years ago. “I’m what they call a ‘BAR’— ‘born again rocketeer.’ I did it a little as a kid but didn’t have a lot of direction,” explained Driskill. “Then I saw October Sky and read the book. So when I turned 35 or 40 I decided I needed a hobby before I went out and got in trouble.” Driskill has seen some rockets reach altitudes of 13,000 feet at competitions.

Model rockets can be used repeatedly simply by installing more propellant, unless the rocket has crashed because its parachute failed to deploy. Cynics often wonder where the excitement lies in watching something fly skyward for five seconds before disappearing—sometimes for good. But rocket enthusiasts feel that half the fun is trying to locate the rockets as they parachute down, and then accomplishing recovery—which is easier said than done when your rocket lands in a forest or field of unpicked cotton. It’s not unusual for rocket owners to search a field for half an hour.

“I was enjoying myself because there wasn’t any wind,” said Driskill of a recent launch day. “And you could just shoot ’em up and they would come straight down, and they would glide just a little.” One afternoon Driskill lost his rocket. A curious farmer had been observing the launches, sometimes joining in the search parties. After combing the area for an hour, with no success, Driskill gave up and continued launching the rest of his arsenal until late afternoon. “We were leaving the site, and here comes this same farmer walking out of the woods with my lost rocket in his hands. He said, ‘I love hunting these things down!’” &

The Mayor fights the Council on a police pay raise.

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The Mayor fights the Council on a police pay raise.

By Ed Reynolds

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October 19, 2006Two years ago, at a memorial service honoring three slain Birmingham police officers, Mayor Bernard Kincaid announced that he would make Birmingham police the highest paid police force in the state. As the city’s homicide rate soars, police and city councilors have criticized Kincaid for not producing a plan to boost police salaries. Kincaid insists that all city employees are entitled to simultaneous raises but says the city cannot afford that. “Pay increases, as I see it, and the way I’ve operated, have been for all employees. The public safety sector represents one-third of those employees,” says the Mayor. A 15 percent pay raise for all municipal workers would cost $30 million a year, according to Kincaid, which is nearly 10 percent of the city’s General Fund Budget. “If it were enacted, we would have massive layoffs of employees, we’d possibly have to close parks; there would be no funding for outside boards and agencies, and possibly libraries,” he warns. “Certainly there would be a hiring freeze that would have to go into effect. Virtually, it would just be catastrophic for the city’s operation if it were carried to its illogical solution.”

For months, Kincaid and the City Council have drawn swords over granting a 15 percent pay increase to police and firefighters. The Mayor had previously approved a $200 monthly uniform allowance for public safety personnel, which prompted grumbling from Public Works employees, who also wear uniforms. Kincaid then attempted to appease public safety workers by offering to petition the Jefferson County Personnel Board to convert the monthly allowance into salary. The Mayor touted the 20-year retirement plan offered to public safety personnel as “invaluable” when comparing officers’ pay to surrounding jurisdictions. But demands for a substantial pay raise remained, and on September 26 the City Council voted to give police and firefighters a 15 percent increase. Kincaid vetoed the Council’s action and a public outcry began. Two weeks later the Council overturned Kincaid’s veto. Councilor Roderick Royal summed up the frustration: “This city is under siege. And we don’t need to keep playing games, Mr. Mayor.”

“Police Chief Nunn reported that crime overall was down in the city, but homicides were up and, as you know, that’s the headline-grabber.” —Mayor Bernard Kincaid, expressing a rather lackadaisical attitude toward his constituents being murdered.

City under siege

If the current rate continues, the number of homicides in 2006 will far surpass last year’s total. According to Sergeant Allen Treadaway, a 17-year veteran who currently serves as president of the local chapter of the Fraternal Order of Police (FOP), staffing levels at the Birmingham Police Department are perilously low. He warns that Birmingham cannot afford to lose any more officers. “I have commanders throughout this department who tell me that it’s shorter now than they’ve ever seen it, and these folks have 25 or 30 years in,” said Treadaway. “My department is so short that I’m having to work a lot of overtime just to keep up. I don’t mind doing that. But you can’t do it forever. Folks need a break. And when you talk about morale and frustration, that’s where it builds.”

He cites statistics from previous years. “From 1990 to 1997, the city of Birmingham averaged 124 homicides a year. We had a high of 147 in 1991,” says Treadaway. In 1997, consultants from New York City evaluated and made several recommendations to the Birmingham Police Department. “The first year, 1998, Birmingham’s crime rate dropped dramatically across all categories of ‘part one’ offenses. That’s your rapes, your assaults, your homicides,” explains the sergeant. “For the next several years, Birmingham’s crime rate continued to decline, with homicides averaging only 76 a year compared to 124 the previous nine years. Last year, for the first time in eight years, Birmingham’s homicide rate reached triple digits—-105. The difference is, in 1998 the Birmingham Police Department had 882 sworn personnel on the streets. Today we have less than 787.” Another 18 officers are currently serving in the military, while approximately 15 policemen are reassigned to the airport following 9/11.

Treadaway continues: “With these shortages we cannot accomplish our goal of combating Birmingham’s crime problem. We cannot implement the crime-fighting strategies that we did in 1998 that saw these numbers go down . . . Homicide started [to increase] first. I have said that’s an indicator that other part one offenses will follow . . . The strategies that were presented to reduce crime in Birmingham here recently are no different from the same strategies that we implemented in 1998. The difference? We don’t have the personnel. Call the commander at any precinct.”




	Illustration by Nolen Otts. (click for larger version)

Kincaid disputes crime increase

“Reducing crime became the whipping boy for this,” was Mayor Kincaid’s assessment on October 10 after the City Council voted 7 to 1 to override his veto of increased police salaries (Councilor Valerie Abbott sided with the Mayor, and Councilor Maxine Parker was absent). “[Police] Chief Nunn reported that crime overall was down in the city,” said Kincaid. “But homicides were up and, as you know, that’s the headline-grabber. So with that as a backdrop, it seems to be the moment to push this forth, using that as the reason for doing it.” Kincaid continued to insist that the authority to recommend salary increases rested with him, not the Council, and said the matter would be settled in court.

During the Council meeting, Councilor Joel Montgomery was disappointed that “the Mayor has decided that he does not consider public safety in this city a priority nor the pay of our public safety personnel who protect you, the citizens.” Montgomery accused Kincaid of inciting upheaval within the ranks of city workers. “Our, quote, commander in chief, unquote, has decided that he is going to take our different employees in different departments and pit them against each other in order to beat this raise down,” said Montgomery. “I think the citizens should rise up and demand that we have a pay raise for our public safety personnel. And not only that, that we hire enough public safety personnel to put them on the streets to protect our citizens!”

As for where the city will find the money to finance the 15 percent pay increase for public safety personnel, Councilor Montgomery said the Council will hire a consultant to locate the funds. Regardless of where the money is found, Sergeant Treadaway believes that a competitive pay scale is the city’s only hope to combat crime. “We got a 2 percent pay raise. Trussville just gave a 6 percent raise, Fultondale just announced 5 percent,” he says, wearily. “We lose ground every time we argue this. . . . The problem, and what’s so unique to Birmingham, and why we find ourselves in worse shape than we ever have as far as retaining officers, is that the fastest-growing county in the Southeast is Shelby County. They also have some of the highest paid police departments in Alabaster, Pelham, and the Shelby County sheriff’s department. Now, with state troopers paying what they’re paying, and they’re going to double their staff levels over the next three years—they’re looking to add 300 state troopers—that is going to open up even greater opportunities for Birmingham officers [to leave the force].” &

Renaissance Man

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Renaissance Man

Gene Simmons thinks the world looks better with a KISS logo on it.

By Ed Reynolds

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October 19, 2006

“I guess Gene is just being Gene,” said Gene Simmons’ publicist with a sigh. She had called to apologize for a scheduling mix-up. “He sounds like he’s just going to do what he wants to do. He’s a nut, but a good nut. He’s like the CEO of a billion-dollar company.” Simmons was scheduled to call in the afternoon to promote his appearance at the Galleria. He is visiting to tout a new KISS line of colognes and perfumes entitled KISS Him and KISS Her. Instead, he called hours earlier, leaving a message that he had tried to do his part, was sorry it hadn’t worked out, and that maybe he’d try again.

In addition to playing bass for KISS, Simmons is a pompous, adolescent version of Hugh Hefner. Living for the past 23 years with former Playboy Playmate Shannon Tweed (the family has a hit reality TV show, “Gene Simmons’ Family Jewels” on A&E, similar to MTV’s The Osbournes), Simmons is a man addicted to marketing himself and his band. He boasts that he has slept with thousands of women, that he discovered Van Halen, dated Cher, and even managed the career of Liza Minnelli.

Simmons finally called back, and we talked through a poor cell phone connection as he drove from New York to Philadelphia. We discussed drugs, money, and underarm deodorant. He’s as arrogant on the telephone as he is on television. But that’s all right. We wouldn’t want him any other way.

Black & White: Is this Gene Simmons?

Gene Simmons: It is he. Are you near a computer? Just click on Genesimmons.com for the bio with the bullet points.

It’ll take just a few seconds here to pull up the internet.

You don’t have DSL? Why not? It’s the 21st century. You’re killing me. You know that? Where am I calling, Alabama or Kansas?

David Lee Roth said, “Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy a boat big enough to sail right up next to it.” Is this pretty much your motto?

I discovered Roth. My reference point is actually a little easier. Margaret Thatcher said, “Money is the root of all evil.” Actually, it’s not. Lack of money is the root of all evil. Because if you don’t have money, you’ll do all kinds of things, including holding up a 7-Eleven. But if you’re a hundred million dollars liquid, why would you want to hold up a 7-Eleven?

How did you manage to stay off the drugs and booze during KISS’ heyday?

When I get down, I run my own race. Champions do, you know. If you’re a champion and you’re running a marathon, never look over your shoulder or in front of you, just run your own race. Because these rock ’n’ roll waters are shark-infested, and very few people who work in it are qualified to do anything else besides ask the next person in line, “Would you like some fries with that?” I only like to rub shoulders with the best of the best, because you’ll be judged by the company that you keep. I have never been high or drunk in my life, because that’s my decision for myself. Although I reserve your right to get on crack as often as you want. But don’t come to me with a hand out. I don’t want to hear any sob stories. . . . Speaking of rubbing shoulders with the best, there’s an entity called Gemini, which does fragrances and so on.

Okay, go ahead and hawk the KISS products.

I’m proud to say that we have this joint venture where the KISS fragrance line has just debuted so big and so fast it will whip your head around like a corkscrew. If you look at Women’s Wear Daily you will find that we’ve gotten the complete thumbs up from a very finicky and fickle—which are not bad things because these are semantics. And, of course, you know I’m not anti-semantic—you’ll see they have given us the thumbs up by putting us on the cover. That’s as much of a “Boy, these guys are cool” as you need to get . . . The products are intended for every crevice of your body.

Is it a full product line?

Creams, underarm deodorants, shampoos, fragrances for women. And we are going to be debuting something in a month or two. Maybe the powdery, glittery stuff that actually smells good that women love to do. You know, sometimes you don’t want to spray it on, you just want to sorta powder it on and have it glisten as well as smell good when he or she comes close.

Describe the fragrance.

It’s difficult to talk about taste. It’s like eating a steak. Describe it . . . When you describe a fragrance, you just have to experience it.

Have you always used a particular personal fragrance?

I haven’t really. And so far, I’ve been using daily the KISS underarm deodorant. My daughter, who is 14, uses the KISS fragrance every day, as a matter of fact. Let me tell you something, at 14 years of age, that’s as much credibility as you need . . . So far the fragrance has been gangbusters. I can spell that for you if you like.

Please.

G-A-N-G, baby . . . busters.

Is there anything you won’t attach the KISS name to?

As far as I’m concerned, planet Earth should be renamed KISS. The air you breathe should be KISS air, the ground you walk on should be hallowed KISS ground. There should be Kisstianity, the religion. No other brand’s got what we’ve got. Every other brand pretends to be what they are. Every other band is simply a band. We’re the only true rock ’n’ roll brand. Second only to Disney. We’ve got 2,500 licensed products. Everything from KISS condoms to KISS caskets. We’ll get you coming and we’ll get you going. &

Gene Simmons will be at Parisian at the Riverchase Galleria on Saturday, October 21, from 2 to 5 p.m. He will be signing packages of the new KISS fragrance. For more information call 987-4200.