“I guess Gene is just being Gene,” said Gene Simmons’ publicist with a sigh. She had called to apologize for a scheduling mix-up. “He sounds like he’s just going to do what he wants to do. He’s a nut, but a good nut. He’s like the CEO of a billion-dollar company.” Simmons was scheduled to call in the afternoon to promote his appearance at the Galleria. He is visiting to tout a new KISS line of colognes and perfumes entitled KISS Him and KISS Her. Instead, he called hours earlier, leaving a message that he had tried to do his part, was sorry it hadn’t worked out, and that maybe he’d try again.

In addition to playing bass for KISS, Simmons is a pompous, adolescent version of Hugh Hefner. Living for the past 23 years with former Playboy Playmate Shannon Tweed (the family has a hit reality TV show, “Gene Simmons’ Family Jewels” on A&E, similar to MTV’s The Osbournes), Simmons is a man addicted to marketing himself and his band. He boasts that he has slept with thousands of women, that he discovered Van Halen, dated Cher, and even managed the career of Liza Minnelli.

Simmons finally called back, and we talked through a poor cell phone connection as he drove from New York to Philadelphia. We discussed drugs, money, and underarm deodorant. He’s as arrogant on the telephone as he is on television. But that’s all right. We wouldn’t want him any other way.

Black & White: Is this Gene Simmons?

Gene Simmons: It is he. Are you near a computer? Just click on Genesimmons.com for the bio with the bullet points.

 

It’ll take just a few seconds here to pull up the internet.

You don’t have DSL? Why not? It’s the 21st century. You’re killing me. You know that? Where am I calling, Alabama or Kansas?

David Lee Roth said, “Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy a boat big enough to sail right up next to it.” Is this pretty much your motto?

I discovered Roth. My reference point is actually a little easier. Margaret Thatcher said, “Money is the root of all evil.” Actually, it’s not. Lack of money is the root of all evil. Because if you don’t have money, you’ll do all kinds of things, including holding up a 7-Eleven. But if you’re a hundred million dollars liquid, why would you want to hold up a 7-Eleven?

How did you manage to stay off the drugs and booze during KISS’ heyday?

When I get down, I run my own race. Champions do, you know. If you’re a champion and you’re running a marathon, never look over your shoulder or in front of you, just run your own race. Because these rock ’n’ roll waters are shark-infested, and very few people who work in it are qualified to do anything else besides ask the next person in line, “Would you like some fries with that?” I only like to rub shoulders with the best of the best, because you’ll be judged by the company that you keep. I have never been high or drunk in my life, because that’s my decision for myself. Although I reserve your right to get on crack as often as you want. But don’t come to me with a hand out. I don’t want to hear any sob stories. . . . Speaking of rubbing shoulders with the best, there’s an entity called Gemini, which does fragrances and so on.

Okay, go ahead and hawk the KISS products.

I’m proud to say that we have this joint venture where the KISS fragrance line has just debuted so big and so fast it will whip your head around like a corkscrew. If you look at Women’s Wear Daily you will find that we’ve gotten the complete thumbs up from a very finicky and fickle—which are not bad things because these are semantics. And, of course, you know I’m not anti-semantic—you’ll see they have given us the thumbs up by putting us on the cover. That’s as much of a “Boy, these guys are cool” as you need to get . . . The products are intended for every crevice of your body.

Is it a full product line?

Creams, underarm deodorants, shampoos, fragrances for women. And we are going to be debuting something in a month or two. Maybe the powdery, glittery stuff that actually smells good that women love to do. You know, sometimes you don’t want to spray it on, you just want to sorta powder it on and have it glisten as well as smell good when he or she comes close.

Describe the fragrance.

It’s difficult to talk about taste. It’s like eating a steak. Describe it . . . When you describe a fragrance, you just have to experience it.

Have you always used a particular personal fragrance?

I haven’t really. And so far, I’ve been using daily the KISS underarm deodorant. My daughter, who is 14, uses the KISS fragrance every day, as a matter of fact. Let me tell you something, at 14 years of age, that’s as much credibility as you need . . . So far the fragrance has been gangbusters. I can spell that for you if you like.

Please.

G-A-N-G, baby . . . busters.

Is there anything you won’t attach the KISS name to?

As far as I’m concerned, planet Earth should be renamed KISS. The air you breathe should be KISS air, the ground you walk on should be hallowed KISS ground. There should be Kisstianity, the religion. No other brand’s got what we’ve got. Every other brand pretends to be what they are. Every other band is simply a band. We’re the only true rock ’n’ roll brand. Second only to Disney. We’ve got 2,500 licensed products. Everything from KISS condoms to KISS caskets. We’ll get you coming and we’ll get you going. &

Gene Simmons will be at Parisian at the Riverchase Galleria on Saturday, October 21, from 2 to 5 p.m. He will be signing packages of the new KISS fragrance. For more information call 987-4200.