The Odd Couple: American Idols Clay Aiken and Ruben Studdard.

Arriving with low expectations at the thought of sitting through all of the August 15 American Idols Live concert at the BJCC arena, I began to perk up after the third of the evening’s nine Idols left the stage, because it appeared that each would be limited to one song. Deafening screams from the sold-out audience, encompassing every demographic imaginable, greeted images of the current batch of Idols as they appeared on a huge oval video screen at the rear of the stage. A cloud of fog crept across the stage floor as one of four “American Idol Dancers” bounded on stage and shouted: “What’s up, Birmingham! . . . home of ’205′ and booty stomp!” Over the next couple of hours, short skirts, tight pants, and stiletto heels adorning the five female Idols punched a few holes in my boredom. Despite the sexy outfits, the performances were about as exciting as a high school talent show. There was no shortage of sophomore spirit; the Idols took turns gushing about the “close friendships” and everlasting love they’d developed for one another on the tour.

Eighteen-year-old Idol Carmen Rasmussen, the Britney Spears of the bunch, was introduced by Idol Kimberly Caldwell (also a “special correspondent” for FOX Sports Net’s extreme sports show “54321″) as “the most innocent and lovable of us all.” Trenyce, attired in a seductively short black skirt with jagged cave-girl hemline (Tina Turner as Wilma Flintstone) delivered a steamy version of “Proud Mary.”

Because the show moved along at a mercifully rapid pace, geeky American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken appeared in no time at all, strolling on stage with his trademark odd gait (imagine Dick Van Dyke’s penguin imitation in Mary Poppins) and protruding ears. Aiken immediately acknowledged the real reason the arena was sold out, shouting, “What’s up, Ruben City?” “American Idol” champ Ruben Studdard finally entered from the side of the stage, eschewing both the tall staircase at the rear of the stage and the center stage trap door elevator used by the other Idols. Opening with a version of The Carpenters’ “Superstar,” Ruben also performed an uninspired version of “Sweet Home Alabama” as the crowd roared—and I do mean roared—its approval.

An intermission prompted fans young and old to literally run to the merchandising booths as the pair of huge video screens flanking the stage ran commercials. “Brace yourself, it’s a commercial about your period,” boomed a female voice in an advertisement for sanitary napkins. Resisting the temptation to go home, I stayed just to see what the American Idols would try to sell me next (pink Gillette razors for women and Pop Tarts). I stuck around for the second half, where Ruben put to rest any notions that the aforementioned fancy staircase couldn’t support his mass. Studdard and the skinny Clay Aiken climbed to the top of the stairs and sang Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney’s “The Girl Is Mine,” matching one another step for step in a weird song and dance routine. They may have been aiming for Frank and Sammy, but they came a lot closer to Abbott and Costello.

I’m glad I didn’t leave, because I would have missed the four male Idols singing “The Lady Is a Tramp” as the lady Idols answered with Destiny’s Child’s “Bootylicious” between verses. I also would have missed the beaming face of Birmingham City Councilor Bert Miller on the big screen (a moment that Miller proudly noted at the council meeting the following Tuesday). But most of all, I would have missed the awestruck three-year-old sitting in her father’s lap, confidently singing the chorus of “Nights on Broadway” during the Idols’ Bee Gees medley, just like the star she’ll no doubt one day be